The debacle got even worse after I had posted about my exchange with the WOC commenter whose comments I had misinterpreted. But then it finally stopped.
She has responded with another sincere apology. It meant alot to me so I'll post it here:
I can't see how else to clarify what I have said, in my own style without hurting you.
For me,that is unacceptable.
Please come back and provide the depth you have been providing of your viewpoint and your angle. IT IS IMPORTANT
I will give you the space you need and say no more.
My need to clarify an issue shouldn't come at your expense, nor at the expense of anyone reading.
It pains me to see how my comment is being used and viewed and the extrapolations which are made from it, but them there are the breaks, once its out there, it is out there.
I share your pain and frustration, I would offer my email in order to completely and fully apologise, however I am not sure this is appropriate thing to do and I am unsure of how to go about it.
i noticed you left your email address, but since our discourse here has been quite volatile and it seems this subject has affected both of our sensibilities, I feel any correspondence from me, without your express permission to use your email address would be inappropriate and possibly just plain wrong, (no matter what the content)
If my apology via this medium will suffice, then please, I beg of you..
receive it from the whence it came..
from the depths of my soul and from the inner most portions of my heart.
I cannot apologise enough.
I know this does not erase the harm that has taken place, or the bitter feelings or disappointment.
I have learnt a lot from this, my hurt, my experience, my anger, irritation, my passion and my brevity for expression does not happen in a vacuum.
You, your comments, your emotions, your experience, your hurt, your anger and your passion reside right along side me.
I unreservedly apologise to you.
I needed that. THANK YOU. I offered my email but haven't heard from her. I don't really need to as everything has been said already So I guess it was worth the emotional toil of that thread after all.
Being able to tease out my own issues like this with people, resolve conflicts both internal and interpersonal, that's exactly why I'm doing this blog. I wasnt being glib when I titled this blog Saving Jane Laplain.
About that. It IS worth disclosing that Jane isn't my actual name, just the one I use online. I cannot use my real name without running the risk of being outed and fired from both my jobs. Not to mention risk attracting all kinds of offline stalker attention for things I said online (Been there, done that. Not doin it again). I don't necessarily believe getting fired is a foregone conclusion of my being outed, but that's a risk i'm not willing to take in this economy. After a full year of being unemployed after getting laid off in 2008 and nearly losing my apartment, I'm just not going to take unnecessary risks.
This blog is a necessary risk. I am all kinds of shut down. I have no unsafe place to unpack my issues one by one without leaving me exposed to further trauma from one corner or another. Rape surivor groups are Cis oriented. Period. That's crazy considering the astronomical rates at which transpeople experience rape across the globe. But yeah. You cannot feel safe outing yourself as a transwoman in a Survivors support group. I went to a couple of those and mentioning my transness wasnt even remotely an option. I spoke in generalities and mostly listened and affirmed and hugged and cried and that was important to do. But it was superficial help at best, at least for me.
Anti-racist groups are overwhelmingly cis as well, even the intersectional ones and the queer affirming ones. They do try and work on that, but there is only so much they can do from within their cis privilege, especially when the focus is racism and its effects on people of color, who are, like most people on the planet, predominantly cis.
Trans and Queer support groups are geared heavily towards the specific needs of White trans and queer folks. And resources for trans women are dominated by White, later transitioning transwomen who tend to be struggling with their specific challenges. such as how to integreate their lived histories as White Men into their current lives as White Women along with the psychic trauma of "plummeting" into 2nd class citizenship as trans. Its a unique experience and I totally validate and respect that. But I can't relate.
In an earlier entry I asked "Whatever happened to the Classics?" I pointed out that transwomen of color tend to start early like I did and even earlier and we just seem to die or disappear at some point. I know more than a few younger transwomen of color, but I personally know only TWO other POC transwomen MY age who transitioned in their teens AND are still around/alive.
Add to this my growing need to acknowledge my disability issues, which I still struggle to understand really are disabilities. I've had VERY poor eyesight my whole life but have managed more or less. In recent years it's gotten worse and I've been without the insurance to keep up with eye care. Also add to this my struggle with PTSD, my tendency to "go recluse" (wreck loose?) on folks, and trying to work for a living withdebilitating physical pain caused by botched genital surgery I underwent when I was 21, and continued recovery from a stroke I suffered at 29. Long, cripplingly painful stories both of those, and ones I'm not anywhere near ready to expose here in full detail. But at some point I have to DEAL with all of the above.
So yeah I'm right back to where I started. Figuring out what I'm doing here... Why do I want to do this? Is this blog even necessary? What am I getting myself into?
I'd better go see why Mr. Laplain hasn't woken up yet. He's usually up and in my face as soon as the sun starts streaming in, and that was well over an hour ago.