Saturday, December 31, 2011

My 2011


  • Received a $10K promotion at my job that enabled me to do some badly needed saving and buying for my family.

  • Quit my job for another that pays slightly more than the one I just left, allowing me to do more badly needing saving and buying for my family.

  • Managed to work thru and completely extinguish (i hope!) 3 triggers that had been dogging me.  (a) I am no longer freaked out when I see people running across the street. (b) I can finally sleep thru the night with the windows slightly open. (c) I can wear skirts and dresses again without feeling like I'm about to be molested. 

  • My chronic pain levels are being much better managed by a simple change in wardrobe--the aforementioned skirts and dresses.

  • The husband-unit bought us a car -- which has cut down on transportation costs for ME tremendously, even as it has increased his own expenses enormously. 

  • Did I mention the extra money and savings??? For meeee?


  • My sex drive has plummeted from nearly nonexistent to negative -0.   Honestly with all the upheaval this year, both positive and negative, I feel out of control, I feel constantly vulnerable, I feel like I'm 5 years old ALL THE TIME and so anything beyond cheek kissing and hand holding makes my body scream "What are you doing??  What is that???  Stop it I'm telling!"

  • My somehow even lower sex drive has begun to affect the husband-unit's self esteem now. And yet I am powerless to change my own response.

  • The stress of this years upheavals made it easier for me to gain yet another 20 lbs.  Which seems to go in equal parts to my boobs, butt and gut.  Mind you I have nothing against LOOKING fat, I find that I much more comfortable with my looks when I am thick rather than thin, but the physical discomfort of BEING fat is really starting to wear me down.  For reals, I'd like to make it to work the kitchen without getting winded.

  • My continued loathing of being around people when I'm not working discourages me from meaningful exercise.  Even something as simple as taking a walk around the block is a turn off when I think of having to look at another person I don't have to or worse, having them see me.  Plus my usual paranoia that I'm too fat and slow to run or fight now if somebody tries anything. 

  • I am slowly getting the idea that, in spite of the obviously large number of gay people who work there,  the homophobic/heterosexist culture at my new job is not changeable given the harsh restrictions on employee time and ability to socialize beyond our immediate cubicle neighbors.  The transphobic/cissexist culture, you can't even fathom, but let's just say, there isn't so much even a speculation that trans people exist.  Which is great for stealth, but really bad for providing any meaningful services for the trans people we encounter as part of our jobs. 


  • My hair in the morning. 

Seriously. You can't begin to imagine.  While I have no desire to return to relaxers and long laborious hours each morning trying to get my 'do right, there is clearly alot more i SHOULD be doing to take care of what I've got. 

You think I'm kidding?  One night I gave my face RUGBURN from sleeping on my own hair!! 

Fortunately this sort of thing is fixable.  And in 2012 I've vowed to do exactly that.

Goodbye 2011!  You were a kind benefactor and a worthy foe!