Friday, November 23, 2012

But I won't be blue always...

So my gig has ended.  It was a powerful learning experience, particularly the awful way it ended.  It taught me many things tho.

I don't have to behave "as if" I'm competent and skilled.  I actually really am!  And when people comment on that, it's not them just being "nice."

When my perfectionism gets in the way of my judgment, catastrophic mistakes ensue!  Not all mistakes are borne of carelessness. Some are from caring too much, at least when it comes to the details vs. the big picture.

Not only would I be much happier working in a system designed with the likes of me in mind (which I already knew), but it may in fact be essential  for both my personal and professional growth.  Seems  common sense enough, but truly I didn't realize I was working from a flawed premise.  I thought  my only job  was to adapt myself to the way things were done around me,  then try to compensate for my weaknesses by hyper-focusing on my strengths. This, rather than make it a priority to find an environment that is already compatible with my strengths and weaknesses.  I assumed no such places exist. I also assumed I had no power to create such a place. But they do.  And I do.

I learned I was selling myself short on just about all fronts.

That said, it's crucial for me not to get high on all this new found self-confidence. With no permanent gig lined up, I'm still at the mercy of the temp market.  For the time being, I appear to be in demand. However, I've been temping since February and I'm tired.  And I'm pushing 40.  And I want freaking health insurance!

But more than that.. I want to find a career path where I don't have to choose between being myself and being good at my job. 

So whatever I may have gained and then suddenly lost during this last gig, these things I learned I wouldn't have learned in any other way, and for that I give Thanks. 

Happy Belated Thanksgiving, to ME!

In other news, I am struggling with my own deadline of publishing by my next birthday.  This Summer I finally started writing The Book. Turns out it's two different books.  And the two books have nothing to do with each other!  And they both want me to write them NOW NOW NOW.  All this and still scrambling to support my family somehow. Oy.

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