Wednesday, October 6, 2010

i never got a chance to say goodbye

i've been angry with you becuz you've been visibly hostile with me .. of course you've had right to be. I know that's my own fault for not even explaining why * I * was being hostile and distant with you, but I swear to you i was unable to articulate myself until i did. and then even after that, you were distant and snippy everytime i did try to initiate conversation with you, at a time when i was actually trying very hard to break thru this fog of panic.

i haven't handled this situation well at all and i apologize.. and perhaps it is unfair to ask this of anyone.. but please understand when im in a state like this... when im suddenly dramatically different and quiet for no reason.. when you know we haven't had a fight or a falling out to warrant this kind of behavior.. you HAVE to understand it has nothing to do with you its all on me. so the last thing i need is someone being angry and distant with me becuz im going thru an episode.. it feels like im being punished or mocked for being triggered. like im to blame for what im feeling. that may or may not be the case, but hostility and pouting is the absolute worst way to get me to come around...

i guess im asking too much of you tho. im asking you to be sane in the face of my insanity, be kind in the face of my hostility.. and thats not fair. under normal circumstances i would say, oh hell no nobody can deal with a double standard like that... but when im not in my right mind... there isnt any reasonable accomodation that i am able to make.

this is the loneliest part of dealing with my PTSD... the triggering, the paranoia, the rage with nowhere to go but inward... the being in need of somebody to be normal and stable and ACT LIKE NOTHING DIFFERENT IS HAPPENING other than i just happen to be freaking out for a little bit in a corner somewhere. its impossible to explain... but if you know im going thru something that has nothing to do with you, please give me my space and please don't let it crush you to your core that i can't be a normal person in that moment.. just wait me out.. be happy.. live life... write me a love letter if you need to... just don't sulk at me and resent me... it makes me feel like you think im choosing my trigger over you. please don't make me feel that way, i would never choose this feeling in a million years. please don't lie in wait for me outside after work to make me feel "safer" or actively try to change my mood after ive explicitly requested space and silence... it makes me feel stalked and manipulated.

please understand you are not dealing with an able minded person... please don't expect sanity from the insane. at least not all the time. it just sets me up to fail.

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