I hate cliches with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Particularly when they turn out to be 100% correct. But it's true what they say about Life: It's the stuff that happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
I had planned this blog to be so much more than what I was able to make it out to be. I had planned this blog to be a vehicle for exploring complex issues of intersecting traumas and life changing experiences good and ill I've failed to process or integrate to this day. I had planned to be the kind of person who could connect with others about their passions and their pain. I had planned for the first time to be someone who is able to open up about her pain and be honest about the life I've created for myself, rather than just going thru it on autopilot wondering what's wrong.
What I discovered is that I'm in no shape to do so at this time. And instead of slowly becoming that capable integrated person, I quickly became the same old paranoid, critical, defensive control freaking villain I've always been. Even now with every opportunity to change and reasonable expectation of privacy and safety, I still cannot.
I've tried to write fully three times as many posts as you see here on this meagre blog. I was simply unable to complete any of them. No matter how much I plan "catharsis" thru self expression, I just cannot bring myself to say these things without compromising my own sanity and ultimately, my ability to support myself and sustain a routine or any kind of relationship with another human being.
In short I'm figuring out that this healing business is the sort of stuff I can only do when I have the time and emotional reserves to focus on doing that and nothing else.
And honestly priorities are what it's all about right now. Due to several reasons that were both outside of and entirely within my power to change, I am forced back in to survival/autopilot mode. I must find a new job and I must create a new routine in the sudden absence of the life partner I'd planned on spending my life with. Again with those plans.
This may seem like a histrionic overreaction to being dumped but in truth I've been thinking carefully for the last several hours and coming to terms with several truths.
1. The kind of help I need can't be done alone. And it apparently can't be done while I'm in a relationship either. Must figure out third option.
2. What I had thought of as my reaching a space of emotional honesty and "safety" in my relationship, the freedom to let the pain out for the first time ever in the context of a loving safe environment, actually was about me giving myself free license to abuse others rather than (or perhaps in addition to myself) and neglect others' needs (in this case my partner's) rather than my own.
3. I have to somehow live with the fact that I became an unbearable monster to the one person who I can say ever cherished me and did NOT treat me as such.
4. I have (yet again) sabotaged my chances for true healing by returning myself to a situation where I have no choice but to be alone and to struggle alone.
5. I have to face that the problem, no matter how many awful things others in this world may have done to me, the problem has always been ME, and my reaction to what happens to me.
6. I am nowhere near ready to be the kind of person I hoped I could be.
7. Due to my own desperate, stupidly stupid and selfish actions, I am further behind in that goal than I've ever been.
Or maybe not. If nothing else, I've come to a space where I fully realize my own participation in the unhappiness that has been my life thus far. This is not an insignificant thing. Rather... it has given me new insight. And perhaps new wisdom that the next time I attempt something as big as all this, I'd better do my homework first.
Thanks for listening.
*NOTE 10/22/10* After a few days cooling off, Mr. Laplain agreed to come back to try working things out. Whether we do work out will be up to both of us, but mostly me. I still have all of the above mentioned work ahead of me. I'll be back to blogging again, as soon as I get some real grounding.