Sunday, November 28, 2010

Hiatus complete.

Many good things came from taking time off.  I was able to channel the emotional energy I had been wasting fretting about how to blog about my life and my relationship back into ... my life and my relationship.  I gained much needed insight.  Mainly, I really do need the guidance of a professional if I'm going to manage my PTSD properly. 

That said, I haven't had much opportunity, financially speaking or schedule-wise, to find that professional help.  Still very much in the throes of job hunting.  That slowed down a bit once I realized the background check won't be happening til January or so, and there is a small but viable chance I might be able to opt out of it altogether by requesting a shift of duties...   but at any rate. I need another gig.  Even without the threat of being outed, the place is toxic on many other levels.

I have also learned in this time off that, in the longterm, I will never be happy in any job that I do if it doesn't involve the uplift of the trans community and other vulnerable populations I happen to be a part of.  Which is why I have decided to partner with Mr. Laplain on building a non-profit organization devoted to this end.

It's been a pet project of his for a while but he's only just been able to give it some legs  this year.  I won't go into great detail about it here as it's his baby and I don't want to create any coflicts of interest.   But, overwhelming new responsibilities notwithsanding, I am delighted to be of service to him and to our community.

As for Mr. Laplain and I, our brief split did us a solid.  I got a much needed wake up call that life with me shouldn't revolve around my triggers and recovery.  That other people's triggers do still matter.  And that having somebody love you unconditionally is not an open invitation to test  the boundaries of that love every freaking chance you get. 

I can't speak for him or to whatever he gained from our break, but he seems to be more committed than ever before.   I love him. I do.

And uh, I still intend to, like, totally use this blog as a personal space to dissect my overlapping identities and whatnot as well as a public forum for conversation with others who do meaningful work resisting oppressions.  I'm just not going to obsess over it like I was.... it was getting me nowhere.

Promises promises.  The proof is in the blogging. We shall see.


  1. i'm so glad you're back! i'm a trans woman doing sex work in san francisco (though i grew up in florida with strong ties to georgia), turning 23 in a week, and just discovered your blog a few days ago. reading back through your entries (to the extent that i have at this point, a couple pages) has uplifted me significantly. there is much i can relate to (though not everything - and from the different things i feel like i learn), and it gives me immense hope to see a trans woman some decade ahead of me in life being able to articulate so gracefully the delicate, tangled webs that life becomes. you have a job (and seem like you wouldn't have much trouble getting another)(stability) and a loving partner, and that counts for a lot. plus you continue to work on yourself earnestly, honestly, without preaching from your position of survival to those of us still struggling to establish ourselves. i was only disappointed to see that the entries were stopping, but now it seems the internet can be graced with more of your thoughts :)

  2. I know you love me, Mrs. LaPlain. :-)

    And happy birthday to Astrid. Keep growing in your own life, because you will give hope to someone else too.

    Mr. Laplain (AKA Restored To Sanity)